Filling the space

I think I'm tending to replace entertainment with productivity instead of devotional focus. I've picked knitting back up and have been practicing my guitar much more frequently in the past couple of weeks, which means I havnt really felt the need to entertain myself with television or I-net. I believe Satan is trying to rob me of my position on this battle field by filling my life with things that are good but not the best, and right now, now even really the point. So we're (me and God, that is) not gonna let it happen. We're gonna make the space to focus on our relationship and His agenda/desire for the valley.

...hmmm

Today during my fast sabbath Hans and I went to see a movie called "Persepolis". Its this animated foreign film, the memoirs of an Iranian woman. And one note, foreign films in Yakima get really small audiences because we almost had the theater to ourselves. I was pretty taken back by the film, and it sort of punched me in the gut as I've been thinking about it. About all the death that happens in wars and the senseless stuff we do to each other. I had to ask God, if he was so powerful how come he lets us shoot each other and torture each other and shit like that. Does he really have power over death? Death is a subject I've been thinking about lately because Elissa recently had a dream that I died. At first it didn't weird me out, but then I thought about it. She said she hoped that her dream didn't come true, I started to try and assure her that it wouldn't but I knew I couldn't do that in clear conscience. I don't know that I won't die, I cannot assure anyone of how long I'll live. Its weird to be all the sudden faced with the possibility of your death. I feel very fragil thinking about that, and also I want to live, but more than that I want a good life. If I had to die though I'd want it to mean something for other people. I would want to have loved deeply enough to make an impact on the face of the earth, or maybe I'd want to help a couple people believe God is real and he's good. I have nothing to complain about, but I'd like to live stronger in love than I do, to give more freely and not be afraid of death. Not just death literally, but death of myself, hurt and pain. I'd like able to hear the Lord and tell others. To be sanctified and to believe with my life the Lord is, and was and is to come. That he did triumph over death and that we can have victory over evil in the name of Christ Jesus. This fast if anything has given me opportunity to see the ugliness in myself, the dead stuff in my heart. It's a little embarrassing to say that all this over not watching TV. One of the things that has bubbled to the surface, partly thanks to Hans(thanks Hans), is that Grace is hard for me to understand and accept. Therefore, I get really mad all the time when things aren't "right" and its pretty much my fault I'm so mad. Yet, God really is always ready to lavish his love on me any time I mess up and am humble enough to run to him, or cry out for help. wow, God really does have power over the death in me, and so I must believe he has power over death, period.

...i would be frail

Two words have been the recent topics of discussion between God and I: fear and joy. For me, this fast has come at a good time. Brenda and I studied James 1, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds." (James 1:2) But what is joy? I realized I didn't really have a good grasp on what exactly joy was, and how we're supposed to have it, especially during trials. The very next day, I happened to pick up a book that was given to me for graduation, called "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction." It goes over the Psalms of Ascents. I had read some chapters on and off before, but hadn't really gotten much out of it. I opened it up the other day and the bookmark happened to be at the chapter titled "Joy." The past couple weeks leading up to lent, God had been trying to get my attention about some hard things, but I, of course, was doing my best to ignore/escape it. My coping mechanisms for dealing with internal stress pretty much involve harboring it in and resisting help for fear of losing control over the situation. But that always leaves me feeling really gross, to the point where even I can't stand myself. There is always this limit I have of what I will offer up to God. But being here has caused some deeper parts of my heart to resurface, parts that God wants of me, that I'm going to grab on to as tight as I can. And of course, that feeling stems from fear. Fear of the unknown.

But God is good, and He has been telling me things that I need to hear when I need to hear them. Although it is hard for me to accept what God is asking me to do, I am reassured by God's promises.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. -psalm 30:5 (nkjv)

It says in the book, "We come to God because none of us have it within ourselves, except momentarily, to be joyous."

"The enormous entertainment industry in America is a sign of the depletion of joy in our culture. Society is a bored, gluttonous king employing a court jester to divert it after an overindulgent meal."

I know joy doesn't mean constantly being happy and having a smile on your face. But I think it does mean, that whatever state I am in, I can still harbor a peace that surpasses all understanding. And that joy comes from simply engaging with Him and being a part of what He is doing. And in saying "okay, God, you win" to the things that He is asking of me, there is a realization that my fears were unfounded. There is nothing that I needed to know that I didn't know. God is cool like that in pretty much laying it all out on the table, so I think I'm making an okay trade.

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
-jars of clay

Formation

When I considered how extreme I would be for Lent, I recalled a story I heard about a very rich apple farmer named Ralph Broetje. He is a faithful believer and, at some point, wondered if he needed to give up growing apples because it was so profitable. A spiritual mentor asked the question, "Would a part of Ralph die if he did not grow apples?" Ralph said without hesitation, "Yes." As I thought about giving up books and ideas for Jesus, I identified that, like Ralph, a part of me would die. God has given me a love of learning. Consequently, I am still reading books, although they are spiritual in orientation. In "Soul Feast," Marjorie Thompson differentiates between information and formation: information is utilitarian; it is a means to some other end, whether it be persuasive arguments, problem-solving, conversation starters, programming, etc. Formation, on the other hand, "is generally understood as an end in itself. It has to do with the dynamics of change in the human heart, change that reshapes us into the kind of beings God intends for us to be." Therefore, as we read Scripture and spiritual books, I pray that it would be formative, not merely informative. My prayer is that this fast is a formative practice that draws us to God's heart. May we have His heart.
I wanted to write some of the promises that God has given us for this place. It is so good to be formed by His faithfulness to redeem and restore!
"God will provide rain for the seeds you sow. The grain that grows will be abundant." -Isaiah 30:23 (The Message)
"The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in." -Isaiah 58:11-12
"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there until they have watered the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be taht goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and succeed in the thing for which I sent it." -Isaiah 55:1-11

Steve's first Blog

Ok this is my first time to Blog ever (pause to take in this historic moment). At this point I don't have a ton of time or content to post however I wanted to break the ice.



How is the lent fast going?

Well I didn't spend that much time engaged in entertainment before the fast so I am not feeling a large surge of time or energy to focus on prayer. It feels more like a little poke in the back of my mind when I day dream about what I would rather be doing at that moment. I start thinking about how nice it would be to chill out on the coach with pop corn and a Lost DVD and then realize that oh I can't do that...oh yah I need to be praying. Karen and I are also cutting out excessive sugar, I know it sounds vague but she and I know what we mean, (no pop, sweets, supper sugary foods, but I have been putting a tiny bit of brown sugar on my oatmeal.) Anyway that has been helping me become aware of the ways my body gets addicted to stuff. It feels like I asking God to purify my heart by trying to reject some of the more addictive substances in my world. See you all tonight.

Why it is good to for go...

The recent days have been busy and full of struggle, part of this is because for some reason, perhaps because I have had less junk filling my mind, I've been able to actually hear my own thoughts. At first, this was scary because I realized I'm sort of not that interesting and also super super apart from God most of the time. I was reading a book about confession in which a monk proposed that he didn't love God because he couldn't spend even an hour with Him every day, and any time spent with God was laborious. This sort of got me thinking about my own heart and if, in fact, I loved God more than the monk...after some thought I decided the monk probably loved God more. So, in my lack of love I've been wondering why it is good to for go entertainment. We said our purpose was to pray for MW, and that it is. But, selfish person that I am, that reason alone didn't suffice. In coming to these conclusions about the reality of my own depravity the muddy waters of my mind started to clear and realize that God is super good at mutli-tasking. Not only would he honor our collective desire for vision and the furthering of his Kingdom through Mending Wings, but He is also refining, correcting, loving, admonisthing, teaching, loving, loving and loving us. So if your insides start to feel like ash, like the dust that we are, or if you can't stand anyone including yourself, perhaps this is an encouragement that it means you are engaging with the Spirit and Word of God more than normal. So, it is good to for go entertainment because it brings us closer to our Heavenly Father. And actually right now that sounds like a really good reason, I guess I might love God some after all.