...hmmm

Today during my fast sabbath Hans and I went to see a movie called "Persepolis". Its this animated foreign film, the memoirs of an Iranian woman. And one note, foreign films in Yakima get really small audiences because we almost had the theater to ourselves. I was pretty taken back by the film, and it sort of punched me in the gut as I've been thinking about it. About all the death that happens in wars and the senseless stuff we do to each other. I had to ask God, if he was so powerful how come he lets us shoot each other and torture each other and shit like that. Does he really have power over death? Death is a subject I've been thinking about lately because Elissa recently had a dream that I died. At first it didn't weird me out, but then I thought about it. She said she hoped that her dream didn't come true, I started to try and assure her that it wouldn't but I knew I couldn't do that in clear conscience. I don't know that I won't die, I cannot assure anyone of how long I'll live. Its weird to be all the sudden faced with the possibility of your death. I feel very fragil thinking about that, and also I want to live, but more than that I want a good life. If I had to die though I'd want it to mean something for other people. I would want to have loved deeply enough to make an impact on the face of the earth, or maybe I'd want to help a couple people believe God is real and he's good. I have nothing to complain about, but I'd like to live stronger in love than I do, to give more freely and not be afraid of death. Not just death literally, but death of myself, hurt and pain. I'd like able to hear the Lord and tell others. To be sanctified and to believe with my life the Lord is, and was and is to come. That he did triumph over death and that we can have victory over evil in the name of Christ Jesus. This fast if anything has given me opportunity to see the ugliness in myself, the dead stuff in my heart. It's a little embarrassing to say that all this over not watching TV. One of the things that has bubbled to the surface, partly thanks to Hans(thanks Hans), is that Grace is hard for me to understand and accept. Therefore, I get really mad all the time when things aren't "right" and its pretty much my fault I'm so mad. Yet, God really is always ready to lavish his love on me any time I mess up and am humble enough to run to him, or cry out for help. wow, God really does have power over the death in me, and so I must believe he has power over death, period.