...i would be frail

Two words have been the recent topics of discussion between God and I: fear and joy. For me, this fast has come at a good time. Brenda and I studied James 1, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds." (James 1:2) But what is joy? I realized I didn't really have a good grasp on what exactly joy was, and how we're supposed to have it, especially during trials. The very next day, I happened to pick up a book that was given to me for graduation, called "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction." It goes over the Psalms of Ascents. I had read some chapters on and off before, but hadn't really gotten much out of it. I opened it up the other day and the bookmark happened to be at the chapter titled "Joy." The past couple weeks leading up to lent, God had been trying to get my attention about some hard things, but I, of course, was doing my best to ignore/escape it. My coping mechanisms for dealing with internal stress pretty much involve harboring it in and resisting help for fear of losing control over the situation. But that always leaves me feeling really gross, to the point where even I can't stand myself. There is always this limit I have of what I will offer up to God. But being here has caused some deeper parts of my heart to resurface, parts that God wants of me, that I'm going to grab on to as tight as I can. And of course, that feeling stems from fear. Fear of the unknown.

But God is good, and He has been telling me things that I need to hear when I need to hear them. Although it is hard for me to accept what God is asking me to do, I am reassured by God's promises.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. -psalm 30:5 (nkjv)

It says in the book, "We come to God because none of us have it within ourselves, except momentarily, to be joyous."

"The enormous entertainment industry in America is a sign of the depletion of joy in our culture. Society is a bored, gluttonous king employing a court jester to divert it after an overindulgent meal."

I know joy doesn't mean constantly being happy and having a smile on your face. But I think it does mean, that whatever state I am in, I can still harbor a peace that surpasses all understanding. And that joy comes from simply engaging with Him and being a part of what He is doing. And in saying "okay, God, you win" to the things that He is asking of me, there is a realization that my fears were unfounded. There is nothing that I needed to know that I didn't know. God is cool like that in pretty much laying it all out on the table, so I think I'm making an okay trade.

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
-jars of clay